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Why Can't I Forgive Myself?

It’s a phrase I’ve heard many times, often from people who have cheated on their spouse or committed some other sin that hurt their family. It can be a massive weight, suffocating you with guilt and shame and preventing you restoring oneness with your spouse. You may spend your days obsessing about how to overcome the past, desperately searching for a way to somehow “forgive yourself.”

“Forgiving yourself” is common terminology used to describe self-release of personal guilt and shame. I’ve spent a lot of time in recovery ministry, and you don’t have to go far in recovery circles to hear someone say, “I know that God forgives me, and the person I’ve hurt forgave me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” Many books have been written on the subject. Even medical websites carry articles about the importance of self-forgiveness.

The problem is that self-forgiveness is not a concept rooted in biblical truth.

You Really Can’t Forgive Yourself
If you think about it, no one in society has the authority to forgive themselves for something that they have done wrong. Teenagers can’t “un-ground” themselves. Prisoners can’t declare themselves forgiven and walk out of prison. People in a debt crisis can’t forgive themselves the remainder of what they owe. In all instances, we need a higher authority to pardon us or to declare that the debt from the sin is “paid in full.” Come to think of it, if we could forgive ourselves, we wouldn’t need Jesus.

But some of this confusion is semantics. When Christians say, “I can’t forgive myself,” it usually means they are mistakenly holding on to guilt and shame for sins already paid for by Christ. They see themselves as owing a debt they can’t repay, instead of resting in the knowledge that Jesus has already paid the debt in full by being nailed to the cross. He offers forgiveness as a gift, not as something you have to earn. Those who receive the gift are declared to be forgiven, clean, and righteous.

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 2:13-14)

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)